Monthly Archives: April 2012
Strange things this week. I have this new job, I may have mentioned it. It was a bit more stressful for me this week. Yesterday two hours were spent with a co-worker(more like my co-boss) crunching numbers, amounts and percents. I’m pretty sure I blacked out a time or two, like I had a seizure or something. My brain couldn’t take that much information in at one time. I’ve struggled getting back into the groove of working, as well as working in a completely new field. It brings back horrible nightmares about the time I worked for the lawyer, but that’s another story from another time. Let’s just say I worry daily about not doing the best job I can and messing lots of important stuff up. It’s a self-esteem issue, we all got em, don’t act like you don’t.
Anyway, working again has also had this strange effect on me again. I have once again become more methodical in how I do things. Maybe not methodical, but efficiently, quickly. Get from point A to point B, in the fastest way possible. A milestone hit me tonight and I didn’t realize it at first. I was shopping in a store for my niece’s birthday present (methodically or efficiently of course) and I happened to turn around and see my ex in one of the baby aisles (with his new wife and baby, I presume. I didn’t look that closely). He said hi, I said, “Hey, how’s it going?” and then promptly turned around and walked away. This is HUGE for me because just months ago I would have had an antagonizing argument with myself in my head, probably hemmed and hawed around talking or whatever, and left feeling like pond scum. How easy was it for me, in mere seconds, say to myself, “Huh, whatever…” Maybe not even that. Maybe it was just like I had run into someone I once knew and you nod in acknowledgement and move on.
I questioned whether my reaction had more to do with the fact that he just doesn’t affect me any longer, or if working has once again instilled the, “get from point A to point B as quickly and efficiently as possible” effect, and quite frankly, he doesn’t fit into the formula that gets me to my destination quickest any longer. Not that he would get me there quicker, just that I don’t have the time to stand around and lament about what it is I think was so great about what I lost.
A realization: he no longer affects me. I mean, he does when it comes to the girls, because I want whats best for them and I want them to be loved and appreciated for who they are, not who they are expected to be. But to the extent of me being who I am now? No longer does he affect me. In the wake of everything I went through, I was torn down to a shell of the bare minimum of myself. And while I may not be completely whole yet, I’m being rebuilt day by day. And when I’m done, I will be a completely different person. Maybe not to those who know me or those who have followed along on this fucked up trip of mine, but there will be a striking difference to those who drift in and out of my life at will. Because now, I will never let them see the real me again. I will only let them see what I want them to see. The one who is moving on with her life despite them.
Ugh, I’m feeling fed up with my bad ass self. And I don’t mean bad in a good way. Bad in an “if I don’t get a make over intervention soon I may black out all of the mirrors in my house” kind of way. I know, I know, its all about how I perceive myself and if I put some effort blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhblhbhhhhh schmergidy schmergin,..shut it. I’ve never been good at finding acceptable work clothes to wear or the art of putting on makeup nicely, or the art of doing my hair without becoming so enraged with it that I finally just cut it all off…. yeah that’s happened. And I don’t mean just cut it off. I meant shaved. Yep, twice. So I figure, since I have financial limitations and look horribly put together, someone should enter me in one of those ‘what not to wear things’, or ‘weight loss magic and then we give you a make over’ contests! Oooo, and while we’re on the subject can we get that home make over show to come over and re-build me a house, or just build me a house? I’m pretty sure I have a GREAT story. Anyone? Anyone?
Yeah, I didn’t think so. God helps those and all.. Maybe instead I just need a drink. Everything looks better after a drink right? Maybe I should just start slipping drinks to everyone around me and then they will think I look better! Haha, problem solved. Thank you vodka, I knew I loved you…
Lately my posts have been fewer and farther between and it’s not for a lack of things to write about, it’s just lately I have so many things going through my head I’m afraid writing it all down would become a random jumble of incoherent nonsense that I couldn’t make heads or tails of it later.
Do you want to know the reason I continue to post on my blog? (I feel like it’s a dirty secret <eye rolling>). I continue to write because it makes me feel good to look at my stats and see how many people have read my blog each day. Isn’t that sad?
This is what my life has come to… low self-esteem sucks. And actually I’m no stranger to low self-esteem, blogging is just a new way I can feed the need for human interaction without having to interact with them face to face. Weird I know…
It’s not that I’m looking for attention, it’s that I want to know that someone hears me in this stupid world Or that I might be able to make a difference somewhere. Shut it Trisha. I know, Liz and her idealistic thoughts, get use to the idea that the “man” is gonna always keep you down. It reminds me of a book Ella has called “Kitten Hide and Seek”, “What’s my name? Play the game….” Not that the “man” is a kitten, but that you just have to play the game. Geesh, this isn’t making any sense.
I give Trisha a hard time, but I wonder, is it her in my head saying those things or me? Is this me growing up realizing that I’m never going to be important enough to make a difference, I’m meant for mothering two spoiled children that I have created to overcompensate for the horrible way I have handled my self over the past two years, and what they have had to go through. That, honestly, they would probably rather be with their father where they can at least live in their own home, where it is somewhat reminiscent of their previous lives. Where they can have new clothes, and toys, and American Girl Dolls and Barbie Dream Houses and a baby sister. That the only thing they will have to look forward with me is… what they see right now. Probably living in their grandparent’s basement, or in a cheap apartment, or rented home, jumping from school to school until their mother can finally get her act together. Just us, no frills, because mom is never going to be able to find a job she excels at, or earns good money at, or is successful at…
This sounds very depressing I know, and I honestly don’t go around thinking all of this all of the time, but there are moments when I let my happy facade down and think, “shit, this really is as good as it’s gonna get”. And not that it’s horrible, mind you, it’s not the path I would have chosen myself, but how often are we forced onto paths we haven’t chosen? And I know it’s about me and my motivation to succeed and survive, but still, there are questions, and uncertainties. Maybe this is just me working through the last bit of all of the bullshit I have waded through up to my armpits these past few years. Maybe it’s an empty question being sent out into nothingness. I don’t know, but I do know writing it down as a point of reference for a week, month, or years down the road will allow me to think “Jesus girl, what the hell?” But then be able to say to that insecure, unsure of herself girl, “It got better.”
Geesh, it’s been a rough couple of weeks at our house. I think we are pushing my dad over the edge. The girls have had major, crazy mood swings that had me putting them to bed early tonight. Anyone else???
I’m starting to become a bit defensive about Lainey’s constant barrage that I baby Ella and not her. (In a whiny voice that could curdle milk…) “You always baby Ella, you never baby me because I’m older. I got a cut on my finger at girl scouts and had to sit through the WHOLE meeting until I could go home to get a band-aid for it, but you talk so nice to Ella blah, blah, blah, schmergitty schmergin…”
Of course I let her have it tonight, nicely, but none-the-less told her until her attitude got an adjustment she could count TV out after school and could start getting her homework done and then read until I got home from work. The whole time this is going on in the car I’m just sitting there with my head on the steering wheel waiting for the light and thinking, really? This is why people want to have kids? (Just kidding, love them, but you can’t win for trying!)
I’m going to start going with the attitude that unless they are saying I’m the worst mom in the world, I’m not doing a good job. Girls. I don’t know what to do with them, and it’s only going to get worse!
I don’t know what I will do when we move to our own place, but I don’t think I will have to worry about that for a while. Yes, I am still living in my parent’s basement, but I’m embracing it… waaah, waaah, waaah…..
Haha, on a brighter note today, I got a search engine term for “self-absorbed” hahaha!
So I’ve started working full-time this week and it’s really kicking my ass. Getting up at 5:45, getting one kid ready to go to daycare before 7:00AM, and getting home just in time for dinner really limits the energy by the end of the day. I don’t know how you people do it. Funny thing though, I’ve begun to remember who I am and what I do again. On Wednesday my parents were gone. I fed and bathed both children (ok, it was McDonald’s for dinner, but whatever…), put all of our clothes away, sorted everyone’s laundry, and cleaned up our area of the house, all after an hour of choir practice from 6-7! I remember thinking a few months ago that it would be virtually impossible for me to work full-time, raise two kids, and get everything done that I needed to get done at home and still be standing at the end of the day. But look at me, still flat on my own two feet.
I have told my bff before after cleaning her house that I’m pretty sure it’s like Lord of the Flies at her house on the weekends, especially those I’m not there to keep them in line. I may be retracting that statement after a week back working full-time(minus one day. Come on, you gotta work me into it slowly…I’ve been out of commission for quite a while now…). I can TOTALLY see how your home can seem demolished after four days back at work. (What the hell, one day back at work…). So consider this my public apology, but not an excuse.
I am enjoying my job and love the family I work for. I am learning new things each day and that really keeps me motivated. Some days I have bouts of ADD, and I sit there overstimulated from all of the information I have taken in, or bounce between three different things before I pull back to myself and remind myself that I need to work on one thing and get it finished and then move on to the next… the routine and getting back into professional life may take me a bit. But there it is, that’s where I have been if you’re wondering, and if you haven’t whatever, I don’t care – not in a mean way, I just don’t sit about thinking about who is thinking about me anymore… let’s face it, I’m just too damn tired! Happy thirteenth, and may the odds be ever in your favor! (Yes T, I stole that from you, who stole it from the HG!)
I REALLY haven’t posted in a while and I have often thought about writing in the past few weeks, but every time I think I will try I just don’t. A lot of different things have been happening over the last few weeks and I’ve gotten a completely different look at myself, plus my “new” self who works and separates her personal life from her professional life. There are so many hard lessons we have to learn in our life, that at some point it all becomes about “me” and our own struggles and injustices we fight daily, that sometime we just have to sit back and stop thinking of ourselves. We have to go to work, make the kid’s lunches, have the brakes fixed on the car, change the oil, socialize with people we may not be comfortable socializing with, call people we don’t want to have to speak to personally, and be present in the lives of those we don’t spend much time thinking about because we are so wrapped up in our own lives.
I have often thought over the past few weeks of my new job how menial and insignificant the tasks are that I do each day. Sometimes I feel like I’m back at the drawing board and I have had to start all over. But the people I work for are beautiful people, and they don’t make you feel that way. It’s a group effort and everyone does important things, or the “crappy” tasks as well. Whether they want me to feel welcome, or really do like me, they make me feel like I fit in and I am making a difference in their lives, and that is nice. Especially coming out of the teaching profession where you have little input and control over the districts or schools you work in.
Maybe this new path in my life will lead me somewhere better, maybe it’s just a bridge to another opportunity. Either way, I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts, because if there is one thing I have learned it’s that nothing lasts forever. So enjoy it while it’s here. 🙂