Monthly Archives: May 2012
So, I’m doing really well lately. It’s pretty exciting. I LOVE my new job, it’s exciting and I’m learning new things all of the time, and I’m finding some of my self-worth again. I love the people I work with and am so thankful I took this leap of faith. I can honestly look back at that shadow of a girl I was and say goodbye. GOODBYE. But I’ve also realized that I can say goodbye to bitter feelings I have for those I was angry with for so long. Can I forgive them? Yes. I can honestly say I was a bitch to be around and not handling my shit well, but I don’t blame myself. It was some pretty messed up shit that only got crazier as time went on. But I realize I am not blameless in everything that happened. I could have handled things differently and I could have hidden my raw emotion a bit better. But then hindsight is always 20/20. I was in a toxic situation all around and am a better person today for getting out of it, whatever way I was removed…
That being said, I have to say I am beginning to dream dreams again. Pretty cool right? I still don’t want a man, because honestly they just complicate things and create more work for myself, and why would I need another one when I can do it all on my own and have everything I want in the process? (Don’t take your mind to the gutter…)
So I’m on this new goal kick. My new-found friend and employer is going to help me set some goals and actually meet them. My dad is totally psyched as he said himself, “I just want you to finish something…” He also likes this said new friend and employer of mine. I’m not sure whether to be offended or not, but I’m not letting him be a killjoy on my dreams. And yes, I fully intend to meet these goals, everything else be damned. Hahaha, maniacal laugh. Just kidding.
I just realized this all seems to make no sense as I am sitting here through this cantata practice of my child’s. I think we will all be estatic when it’s over, tomorrow. And I know, I know, “What’s a cantata?” a musical. That’s what it is. A musical. I’m done with your questioning … is it wrong that I’m having and imaginary conversation with you in my head right now? I think it’s because I have my friends voice in my head, which yes, is really my voice Trisha! Shut it. Geez I really should NOT be yelling at you right now because technically I’m having this argument myself. Sorry. How did this perfectly nice post turn into a tyrannical rant? Sorry peeps. The new me still comes with meds. Yay meds!
So some of you who follow me on a regular basis may remember a post I wrote months ago entitled, Irony is saying you don’t want to do something and then God calls and is all like oh yes you will. Well, just this week God once again peeked his little ol’ head back in, you know, just to remind me he IS still there…
Now, I really shouldn’t admit this, innocent as it is, but I’m going to, and then nobody is EVER going to mention it to me again. If you can’t follow this one rule, then stop reading right now….
Still here? (Mom, you’d better be long gone by now!!!!) Good.
So I stopped at the gas station Tuesday morning to fill up before I officially ran out of money, which I had some in my checking account, but probably not enough to cover filling it all of the way up. I had a check that I needed to deposit at lunch and so I figured I’d use one of my old tricks and write a check to fill it up and have the check in the bank by lunchtime.
Unfortunately, my worse nightmare came true, and the machine at the station wouldn’t take my check. I have to tell you, I think I may have shit myself a little bit because my mom was out-of-town at a workshop and the only other person I could have called would have been my dad and that would have been BAD. They ran it twice, but to no avail. My bank is on the other side of town, so it’s not like I could have run and deposited the check and then ran back (if they even would have let me do that, which I don’t think they do anymore). Anyway, the girl was like, “Don’t you have a debit card?” I said yes, but I explained my dilemma about needing to deposit the check and said I didn’t know if the card would run through. (In fact I was 100% sure it wouldn’t, because it never does.) I said she could try it, and what the hell?!?! It WORKED!!!! I was all like, “This is the BEST day of my entire life! I am so LUCKY!!!” The girl was all laughing at me and I left on cloud nine thinking, “God, ya had my back on that one, thanks! But really? That’s where you decide to pop your head in?”
I figured my support check or my refund on my school loans must have cleared my account early, but when I got to work and checked, there wasn’t even enough in there to cover the debit! THAT NEVER HAPPENS! Shit y’all, what the hell. It was God, like a nail in the coffin. He’s such a kidder. Really, of all the things, but really, thanks God, I owe ya one!
I work with a guy whose name is Jim. I can’t tell you how many times I have left for the night and said, “Night Jim,” when I think it would be so much more awesome to say, “Dammit Jim, I’m a teacher, not an architect!” I think of the “Dammit Jim” line each and every night when I leave work, and I have to say I chalk it up to the stupid things that have stuck with me from my marriage. As we speak I’m filing this in my memory bank under “useless things I picked up while married to my ex”. These and more are the random idiosyncrasies I have learned through spending eight years with a man. I would have to say, even today, I am still a Star Trek fan, I love stupid movies like Anchorman, and Happy Gilmore, and get super psyched when I have the opportunity to use a quote from said movies.
It makes me wonder how many other of these quirks have stuck with me that make me seem odd or crazy. I have begun to realize that I’m just odd normally. I think, anyway. I get all flustered when I have to talk to other people or socialize, and I only really appreciate spending time with close friends, because hey, they know all of this about me and they still hang out with me. It makes me think that I probably won’t broaden my horizons much more than I have to this point. It’s just too painful and awkward. So, to those of you who are already my friends, settle in and get ready for the long haul! You’re in it with me – sorry… 😉