Where I am now opposed to where I was then… (or less confusingly, Current Life)
So, if you don’t already know, I got a new job teaching in a primary school. Fourth grade, pretty big school, what I would classify as inner city, and yet, I love it. I have missed the days where I wake up wanting to go to work. I love the feeling I get each morning when I wake up and I can’t wait to start over and try again with my kids if it was a bad day yesterday, or to continue the awesome things we did the day before. I am insanely busy, I’ve never been to so many meetings, professional developments, and training sessions, but the adrenaline rush is enough to keep me going. I’m exhausted, but I’m remembering what it is to push on and keep going, even after a ten hour day when I get home and the girls have work to complete, or instruments to decide on, or lunches to make for the next day. I’m in my sweet spot, and its awesome.
This is all so cliche and ridiculously ironic, but I am realizing courage comes in so many different forms. I am paralyzingly terrified of the whole teacher evaluation process, but I am jumping in head first. I am terrified of speaking with parents, ironic right? Isn’t it usually the parents who are terrified when the teacher calls? However, I am committed to communicating with them, whether it’s in vain or not, I will know I am doing the best I can for my students. Common core, PBIS, Kagan, ADVID; all of these new terms are being thrown at me left and right, and yet I find myself soaking it in, wanting to go to each training session to learn more, but practicing my time management skills and picking and choosing what is the most important. Lesson planning: I have never REALLY experienced lesson planning like this. Last week was a painfully long and drawn out process that I never thought I would finish, but I did, and this week it was easier, and next week will be even easier.
All of these things are equally terrifying and exhilarating at the same time, and it’s awesome.
I can honestly say I have never worked this hard, and been this committed to a job before. Nothing can compare to the insanity of these planning periods and team meetings, and trying to corral a abnormally small class size of sixteen, which will undoubtedly turn into twenty five after Labor Day, into learning, listening, experiencing, and exploring. This is a challenge and I’m rising to it. I can’t wait to see where this leads and how I can become better as a teacher.
If you had asked me exactly four years and sixteen days ago if I would find myself here, in this place, being OK… I would have looked at you like you were a crazy mo-fo and turned and walked away. How could I go from that to this. That was so ugly and nothing good would have ever come from it. But that’s how life goes, and I’m so happy with the person I’ve become. Sure, I’m far from perfect and there is SO many other things I would change, but to become a person who doesn’t sweat the small stuff, who can see the forest for the trees, that is my ultimate. A lot of people might say its laziness or plain disinterest, but I know different. To go from a person who worries about the littlest, minute details that won’t matter tomorrow, much less in a week, is simply mind blowing to me, it’s huge. I am simply choosing not to worry about the things I can’t change, or the things that aren’t life changing. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I can see the forest for the trees, I have been through hell and back and I can distinguish the life altering from the annoyingly tolerable. And I love it.
Look at me, living and shit.