It has been a while since I’ve written anything of substance. I have been re-reading posts on occasion, and get really frustrated because it seems that every time I do post, it’s when something is bothering me. But then I think, well, that was the whole purpose of this exercise, wasn’t it?
Those of you who know me well know I struggle with depression and anxiety. I hate change, and love routine. I thrive on it, but I can get bored just as well. This coupled with the fact that the past few years anger as a response has begun to rear its ugly head making me an even larger hinderance to myself have begun to irritate myself to levels of wanting to smack myself silly just from listening to my inner monologue. I can’t image how those who have to listen to me on a regular basis might feel. I know, I know, “You’re so ANGRY.”
I have had a rough couple of weeks. I of course, being me, have made it incredibly worse by not allowing my mature side to control my emotions, and playing the victim, as I often do so well. But even that aside, I admit that it’s been rough. Like a perfect storm with all of the natural ingredients rolled into a perfect little ball ready for implosion: and today it imploded.
I cried, I got pissed, I yelled, and screamed (in the privacy of my own car, thank you very much), but it happened. Am I proud of it? No. Could I have compartmentalized these feelings and emotions and not outwardly displayed them, probably, but my emotional intelligence is diminishing with age and my self-control is lacking. Do I need to pull myself together and be an adult? Yes. Do I continue to make excuses for myself? Absolutely.
Today I realized that maybe some of the issues I thought had been resolved from my divorce might not be as resolved as I once thought. My sense of injustice is way out in left field as of late, and that needs to be rectified. As I talked with my friend this week I once again realized that as an adult, life’s not fair, it’s never going to be fair, and that’s just the way it is. I realized today that I don’t trust people. I WANT to, but I have a such a strong engrained mindset of everyone being out to get everyone else or lacking the ability to care about anyone else that it eventually becomes impossible for me to trust almost anyone.
After my divorce my paradigm of trust began to shift to new people. Even now, that shift scares me because I place so much value on the assumption that those people will be there for me when things once again get rough. This circle of trust continues to become smaller and smaller as the years go by and I have begun to wonder where my balance needs to be drawn because we as humans are flawed individuals. We make mistakes, we are not perfect, and that should be ok. So why am I not ok with this?
I am so concerned with how others see me, that sometimes it scares me. My need to make a difference or to be a meaningful asset to the team constantly finds myself being disappointed and deflated. I don’t want to be the leader, or have all of the power in situations, but I want to know that I contribute and that my contribution is appreciated and recognized. Is this normal? Does this make me a narcissist? Am I a bad person because of this? I think these are the components of my frustration that need to be shifted, but I don’t know how to look at it differently and I think (or hope) these are natural responses as an individual.
I’m tired. Today is the first time I can remember since my divorce that I am physically and emotionally exhausted from the events of my day. I am maintaining the feeling that I just want to crawl into bed and cry and sleep and not get up for an entire week. It’s frightening and exhausting all in one and I remember that I am not infallible. I will continue to make mistakes and be a poor example of a person because we as humans are always changing and growing and regressing and messing up. It’s human. I have to continue to remind myself that the person who plays it off that they are constantly moving forward and becoming better are not only lying to me, but to themselves, because nobody is perfect and that’s ok. And those that are faking it to make it are ok too, (I need to stop being equally angry with them…) and maybe I need to do a little bit of that myself.
I know come Monday morning I will get up, take a shower, and go to work, because that has also been engrained in me by some pretty awesome people who continue to encourage me to keep going. I will be ok with the fact that I’m not perfect, and while other people will play it like they are, we are human after all. All flawed individuals with insecurities and hopes and dreams that may never come to be, but I know if I don’t get up and go, I’ll never know who I can be.